This new level of my torment, which I have suffered since 2007, will never stop me from writing, nor shall it ever keep my heart from beating for Christ alone. Even Job, who suffered even greater than I said, "For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth." (Job 19:25).
Lately it's been so cold, that I have been in almost constant pain. The Dr's have done what they can do, but constant heat is the only thing that makes the pain go away.
Even at church I am most of the time in agony from either my back or my legs, or both, but I go anyway, praying for the miracle of healing so that I can once again be able to live a normal life. And believe me, if you've read this blog, you know my life is anything BUT normal!
Thus here we are, nearing towards the night we celebrate the birth of Christ, God, who humbled himself to become a man (Jesus), so he could walk amongst us and understand the temptations, trials, pain, etc., that we as His creation feel. He wasn't born into a palace but rather was born into circumstances that were humble in order that those who truly believed in the promise of a great Savior would know He had arrived. The star that lit up the sky, frightening even the most sturdy shepherd of the day, and causing 3 Kings who followed the star to bring Him gifts of gold, frankincence and myrhh were key events that bestowed upon Him a recognition that something very special had taken place. He was born into the humblest of circumstances, not with pomp and circumstance but in humility, born in a manger amonst common animals because there was no room for Mary and Joseph at the inn. And just as He was born amongst animals, Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors and those referred to as "animals" by the San Hedron and the Pharisee's, the wise biblical scholars of the day who felt they were beyond help. He knew they would see Him for who He was and a lot of them did. Fishermen, tax collectors, etc., who became his disciples, a woman about to be stoned for adultery, a woman who bled for years who knew if she just touched the hem of His garment that she would be healed and the list goes on and on. Oh, how I wish I could touch the hem of His garment right now! Can you imagine what the world would be like if God hadn't come here to see first hand what it was like for us?
Self confrontation at this time of year is difficult. People are bustling with gift buying, putting up the tree and worrying about which type of meal to serve for their holiday dinner or whether Johnny and Jane get the gifts they so coveted in their letters to Santa.
While I confront my sin, my self and where the road leads for the next year, which I fear will be fiercely worse than the past year for a lot of people, I struggle with how to make it through the holidays without feeling alone. And I am not the only one. It's one of the reasons I reach out on this blog.
I have discovered that this year, just like every other year in recent memory, especially since 2002, that I am in pain, physically alone, although not spiritually alone, and praying for a miracle just as I do every day of the year.
However, I do not consider myself equal with the families who have lost loved ones this time of year even though I lost my own mother to cancer the Sunday before Thanksgiving 3 years ago. I found a silver lining, even though she was abusive, and that was to be thankful to her for bringing me into the world! To honor your mother and father should be a lifelong thing. That's something I figured out too late.
I don't consider myself equal to those living in poverty around the world, for even here in our own country, there are those who go to bed hungry every night of the year, and I am grateful to have what little I have, and thank the Lord every day that I have it, for tomorrow may not be as plentiful.
I do not consider myself equal to any. Even those who have it good, are healthy, seemingly have it all and are fine upstanding citizens. And I especially do not consider myself equal with those who are spiritually superior to me in prayer, written word or thought, for they are wiser and much more humble than I.
Here at this place in time when we Christians celebrate the Birth of Christ, I, once again, have much to learn and pray that God will again pull me close to whisper in my ear, teaching me what He needs me to know.
All I can ask of Him who gave His life for me on Calvary's tree this year, is for his bountiful Grace in my life to continue, to forgive me for my transgressions, forgive my haughty, prideful spirit, and to help me become more like Jesus in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Merry Christmas & May God Bless Us Every One!
