Celebrate Recovery

"Hello My Name Is ______ and I struggle with _________."

This is the way you are supposed to introduce yourself to others in a Celebrate Recovery group.

I joined one last weekend, but I'm still unsure exactly what to say when I introduce myself.  I didn't understand how much denial I had in my life, but I do now.  I have held onto my Newcomer chip for dear life this last week, and can't wait for the next meeting.

CR is serious, but can also be fun.  We start with a band and sing praise worship songs, then we say the 12 steps and the verses that go with them, have a video testimony, say the Serenity Prayer and then break down into men's and women's open share groups.  After that, we have a little bit of fellowship before going home.

Last year, my Pastor, someone I have known for almost 20 years, told me that he felt that with everything I had gone through in my life, especially in my childhood, that I should go to CR.  I was in denial, and became prideful and left "home."  Thankfully, some other issues arose in my life recently that caused me to go back "home," to a church family that I have always loved.  They welcomed me back with open arms.  I can't tell you how good it is to be HOME!

I am now back under my Pastor's authority and the first thing I did, besides attending church service, was to join Celebrate Recovery as he originally suggested that I do!   

There are days I am fragile, days I am angry, and days that make me want to just give up, but God won't let me!  I'm far from perfect, as are we all, but I feel I am so horribly flawed, that nobody could ever like or love me, but that is because I was born into the sin nature and was abused as a child, young adult, etc.  It also has a lot to do with the trauma's that go with abuse, divorce, a screaming mother who didn't show any demonstrative love towards my brother or me, especially after a certain age, and I could go on, but you get the idea?  

At 17 I lashed out, did drugs, became promiscuous and then got clean at age 21.  At 18 and again at 20, I had abortions because my mother thought it "best," considering I was a "drug addict."  Yeah, she was the one I had the most issues with, and who was the most abusive.  She could just be downright mean, not just abusive, but downright mean, like kids at school can be mean, only way worse?  She was a control freak, and kept me in my room all afternoon after school, wouldn't allow friends over, wouldn't let me go to their houses, so I became an outcast at school, made fun of my whole 12 years of Elementary, Jr. High and High School.

The things I was being called, and the things she would say, made me feel even worse about myself, so it is no wonder I turned to drugs.  She called me a drug addict so many times, I went and became one.  She called me the word "W****" so many times, I became promiscuous.  Words mean something, and when you are raising your children, if you have no other model????  Well, let's just say you are in big trouble!  I followed the cycle for years, but then used a few books that helped me to tell my children I was sorry, and that I was wrong for yelling at them, and that I was trying to stop doing that.  Once they got older, our relationships grew, and now they are wonderful, contributing adults to society, all of them, and I am so very proud of them.  They are the best things I've ever done!

I've had issues with anger, co-dependency, drug addiction, shop-a-holism, abandonment issues, and sexual abuse and I'm just now finding CR?  Where have I been?  I was fallen away from God, in complete denial that I needed any help at all, and let my pride lead me by the nose out of the church I have always belonged in.  

I was so powerless to stop the merry go round that I decided that I would give it a try, but now, the closer to the next meeting I get, the more anxious I become about what to say?  I probably don't have to speak until I'm ready to, but boy, it's a big step!  "Everyone will know all of your secrets..."  the devil whispers...trying to get me to quit already, but God's hold over me is much stronger than his, so I'm looking forward to this week's meeting so that I can learn more.  I may not speak in open share right away, which is really a big deal for me cause I can never seem to keep my mouth shut, but there is just so much shame in me, that I'm actually frightened to open my mouth at all.  I'm sure that feeling will fade with time, so I'm not worried.  I just have to stick with it and not give up!  

The best part of my first visit last week, was running into friends I've known for years.  It was a relief to see them!  It's always good to see a friendly face, but especially when you're afraid?  Does that make sense?  I was excited to go, and after learning what the group is about, and the behavior expected, and how we are supposed to introduce ourselves, etc., I've gotten a sense of foreboding that I'll say or do the wrong thing?  I'm not even sure how to present myself, "Hello my name is _______ and I struggle with ________________."  

There is so much "awful"  from the past, that I had no idea how badly it all affected my life.  Now I don't know which words to use quite yet and that frightens me, but I know if God is with me, nobody can be against me, so I'm going to go back.

Like I said, it is all still new to me, and being someone who has known the bible for a lot of years, taught Sunday School, been an Awana Leader, been a counselor to teens, led High School Sunday School classes, sung in the choir, been in praise teams, etc., etc.,  (works works works), I never realized how much our past can affect us!  

The best part is that you don't have to be an addict to join Celebrate Recovery!  You may just have a few hangups in your life.  Some of us, like me struggle with perfectionism, or even an approval addiction.  That's going to be the most difficult one to overcome.  I've been looking for approval my whole life, but never felt that I ever got it.

So?  Here I go!  Tomorrow night will be my 2nd meeting, and I'll be going to "Open Share," for the first time, which has me scared.  I doubt I will open up at all. I'm afraid I won't say the right things, and the shame that I have developed over the years, has me scared to open my mouth at all, but the good thing is I don't have to share if I don't want to.  

My shame is still so present, that I know it's planted.  But not by God.  By the adversary, "who roams about looking for whom he may devour," (1 Peter 5:8).  My life has become unmanageable and I had to do this, or God wouldn't be able to use me!  I have to be healed, and learn to love myself before I can love anyone else, or be loved and accept for who I am on the inside. 

It's true, I have a lot of work to do, but at least I'm able to admit that I need help.  I wasn't able to do that before, but that was because of my pride, and the denial that has been there for so many years.  Some of the things that have happened to me are pretty awful, but God was always there, making sure that awful didn't turn into horrible or worse.  He was always there protecting me, totally in control, and someday, I know I will find my true purpose in life, and be able to follow God's path for my life without any doubt that I am in the right place, doing the right things.

If you have questions about Celebrate Recovery, go to Celebrate Recovery Info and find a local church in your community where they offer CR and then join.  It may frighten you a little at first, like it does me, but God has a plan!  He always does!  

Like "Canton Junction," sings, "I wouldn't trade nothin for my journey now," because God has always been in control!  Just remember, you are a Child of God, and He wants His best and most abundant life for you!  He loves you so much, that He took your sins and mine upon Himself, once for all, so believe in that!  Past, present and future, Jesus paid it all already!  Just have a little faith!  You can overcome the worst possible odds, and be fully healed of your past, because nothing is impossible with God!  (Luke 1:47).

I'm hoping that this process will help me to become more like Christ and start to begin to live for Him more fully.  The minute you admit that you need God's help, confess your sins to him and repent of them, the devil no longer has any power over you!  

Yeah, the snake might toss a chair in my way once in awhile so that I trip and fall, but I'm going to get back up each time, knowing that God is in control.

Then?  I'll just look to the cross and say, "Thank you Jesus."