My Heart's Not Ready for the Rockin Chair

I married the wrong man.  He was sick, in love with sex more than me.  Even after 4 kids, he refuses to recognize me on Mother's day.  He has never remembered my birthday, and I was just young, stupid and very insecure when I fell for an obviously screwed up guy who thought because he had a good job and provided for me, that in those acts, he was showing me that he loved me.  I'm sorry I was so stupid God.

He was 30, and didn't want to get married, but married me anyway, because he felt I had "trapped" him into it.  I didn't trap him, my pills which were the wrong hormonal strength and were new, didn't work and I got pregnant.

Growing up in the home I did, I was always the submissive one, trying to be good, not cause trouble, but still never felt approved of.  Some days I still don't, but then God reminds me I am His, and that nobody can take that away, unless I let the devil control my thoughts and emotions.

This post is written out of frustration and utter despair at my current situation.  I feel there is no way out.  I have no family, no money, and I feel lost, except for Jesus, who is all I have.  I've gone to plenty of churches, none of these pastors have the gonads to come and confront him for bringing a woman into my house 2x a week for sex!  I just keep thinking that there has to be a better life than this out there somewhere and I trust God to do His will in my life, but it gets hard when all you live with is condemnation, out and out hatred and a "ha ha" attitude.  I feel totally rejected.  He's even got my own kids turned against me and everything that ever goes wrong, is my fault.

I have been separated from my ex for 10 years and was living on my own until I got death bed ill in April 2008.  My doctor had put me on the wrong medication for fibromyalgia and it nearly killed me.  My ex moved me back in promising reconciliation and got me to to give up the garnishments of alimony and child support and promised he would pay my bills.  Then when I brought him one I needed paid, he laughed in my face as he said, "I'm not gonna pay any of your f***in bills!  

So I gave it all up, just trying to keep the peace and to let him know I loved him and was serious about the reconciliation and then he refused to pay my bills as promised. On top of that, he refused to give me any money.  I would have to BEG.  I tried so hard to please him but nothing worked.

Then the real bomb hit.  He admitted that he had been seeing a woman before he moved me back in, and even though he had promised to reconcile, which I thought we had, because we were intimate again, he told me he had never stopped seeing her or having sex with her.  He had been cheating ever since he moved me back in,  I don't know how many there were in between, but now I have to suffer in tears when his new girlfriend comes here a couple of times a week for sex.  This is the house my kids were raised in, the home we had so many good memories in.  He is hurting me beyond belief every time he does this, and yet he does it anyway.  Killing off another piece of my heart every time.  I am living in "Punishment World."  And I have no way out.

Yeah, I married the wrong guy.  I wish I hadn't.  I could have had 4 great wonderful kids with somebody else, a man who put GOD first in everything, a man who would have prayed with me every day, a man who would have gone to church with me, a man who would've studied the bible with me, and prayed especially about the big decisions.  A man I would have had no problem submitting to, who would have pulled me back and said, "No honey, let me show you how this works," when it came to finances.

When I got pregnant and he didn't want to marry me, my father offered to let me come home and stay with him until the baby was born, and he said he would have helped me.  There are so many times that I wish I had done just that instead of marrying this sexually addicted jerk.  

I have no love left for this heartless man who seems to enjoy the game of hurting me every chance he gets.  We got bad news about our taxes this year?  The reason we owed so much?  He took his entire Air Force retirement to live on while waiting on his DD214 showing he was honorably discharged.  They taxed it twice because he took the money before he was 59 1/2 yrs old.  HE BLAMED IT ON ME!  Can you believe that?  I even talked to our tax lady and she asked about a $7,000 entry on one of my 1099's.  It was from a law suit.  The check was for $7500 and I only got $3000.  Our federal tax burden was $8400.  I saved him $4500 of that, and it's still all my fault.

Oh if only I had a Fairy God Mother.

If there is a prince charming out there who likes to fix things maybe I'm the girl for you.  I have so much love to give and I think that is what is hurting me the most, is that I have nobody to give it to.  I love in the same way that Jesus loved us.  He gave His all.  I will do the same.  I'd step in front of a bullet for the right guy.

I need someone to save me God?  Where is he?  I pray for him every day because I know he is out there somewhere.  Lord,  I will be 50 on September 23rd.  I want the 2nd half to be better than the 1st.  Please bless me and grant me the ability to feel real love for the first time in my life?  But above all Lord, may it be your will that is done and not mine.