The Choice

I was verbally cursed by my parents when I was very little, which caused the devil to be able to take control little by little in my life, even as a small child and as a result, I've never had any self - confidence, which made it very hard to make or retain friendships, even to this very day!  The kids were so cruel that I was made fun of from 1st grade thru my Senior Year of high school.  I could never stop talking, which annoyed other kids, and they didn't want to be around me.  I was also always in trouble with my teachers for the same reason, and was taking notes home every other day, getting spanked, yelled at, etc.

My parents divorced when I was 8, and since, I haven't been right. Since 2002, when I filed for legal separation, I have been watching my own marriage dissolving right before my eyes, and I am just barely holding on some days, hoping for the Lord to heal my family but I fear that even if I can save the relationship with my children, my husband is already long gone and has been for a very long time.  The pain my husband is feeling is coming from unforgiveness but we only hold ourselves hostage when we refuse to forgive others.  He is still angry at me and my raging self, the child who was never loved, who felt rejection from early on, who for years lashed out, caused havoc in his finances, etc., etc., before beginning to search for healing from God, which finally came just yesterday, praise the Lord!  God finally tore down the last wall that was separating me from His will for my life, and the fulfillment of His promises for my life as well.

He came in tonight with attacks on my character, which were meant to ensnare me with anger, and an argument.  Instead, I prayed for him, asking God to bless him, rather than falling into the trap.  That would have hurt me worse than it would him, considering that I am just beginning to find the secret of how to stay Holy, not letting strife into my life, so I followed my steps of "What would Jesus say?" without even thinking about it.  I just said "Please don't?  I really just don't want to argue with you?"  After that, he said one more hurtful thing and then left me alone.  It was if he was trying to start a fight with the comments he was making to me about my "past self," and a member of my immediate family and how he doesn't care about her, and while it made me extremely sad, I did not allow myself to become angry, which usually?  It would have been a knock down drag out fight!

God wouldn't let me respond in any other way but to "love my enemies and pray for those who persecute you."  (Matthew 5:44).  For the 1st time in almost 27 yrs, I was successful in not taking the bait!  I turned away from the trap I have been falling into for years and I had victory over the devil's plot to make me fall back into sin.

I pray almost every day for a solution to this current hell I live in.  I need support, not just financial obligation, but true emotional support rather than constant judgment about who I used to be with no credit for who God is helping me to become.   I need someone who is going to see the change and give me a 2nd chance, not someone who will hold this over my head forever if we stay together.  I wish I could leave, that would solve a lot of things, but financially I am unable to so he holds all of the cards and at times, I feel completely trapped, which I suppose is payback.  I was pregnant when we got married, and he has always felt like I trapped him into a marriage he did not want.

He is in sin with another woman, and even brings her into the home my children grew up in while I am here, but I am bound by this beaten down, wretched flesh which is full of medical issues and at the current moment I am unable to change my situation.  I am forced instead to just learn to live with it and pray for us all.  I have no place to run except to the feet of Jesus, where I lay all of my anxiety and concern and He is the one caring for me now.

I have desired to be accepted all my life.  I just always wanted to "fit in," but never have. I am like that one extra puzzle piece that came with the Jigsaw Puzzle, but there seems to be no place for my puzzle piece in the puzzle, so I get ignored.  Therefore, as always, I am looking for a place to belong.

I just needed to share that tonight.  His attacks, be they cruel and unjust, were shut down tonight by the Holy Spirit who is now in full control of my life, my emotions and my actions.  No more just "half way" living for Christ now.  I am in full obedience to God's will for my life and He comes first and I won't allow the words of my ex to push me into a crumpled heap onto the floor ever again, nor will I ever respond to his unjust cruel statements as fact, nor will I respond to them emotionally with anger, or hate, but rather, I will love my enemy, and pray that God blesses him! 

So hang in there guys and gals.  You may feel alone, but I guarantee you, you are not.  Jesus is carrying you through your valley like He has carried me and at the other end He will raise all of us up against our enemies and they will scatter in 7 directions, though they come from only one, like straw in the wind!  (Jeremiah 13:24).

Jesus raised me to a mountain top and showed me what it "could" be like, so I will focus on Him, His promises and let Him lead the way.  For I know, He will love me, care for my heart and lead me Home when the time comes.

I will cling to Jesus.   He is all I have, so I will hold on and never let go ever again.