He's Always Been There

Early last night I had a really bad allergic asthma attack and wound up in the local ER.  I've had them before, and understanding exactly what it was and what needed to be done, I calmly climbed into my car and drove to the hospital for help. 

I was under attack by the devil the whole way and he was winning because panic was setting in.  He tends to spout things into your head like, "You're dying," is the first one.  Then it's "You can't breathe!"  Then it's "You're so stupid, sucker, you know you can't go through this without the pills....You're weak....You should be so ashamed!"   He had me in the palm of his hand there for at least 15-20 minutes after being admitted.  It was slowly getting worse, but then something happened as I began to ask God to save me from this attack.

As I sat waiting, I started to get increasingly panicked.  Just then they came in for a moment and  left the curtain open just enough so I could see another patient across the ways in a distant room.  He looked way worse off than me, and my heart felt immediate compassion on him, so I started to pray for him.  I used the promises of Ezekiel 37 and the Valley of Dead Dry Bones!  I opened the palm of my hand and blew towards him, praying that God's breath of life would reach him through me, just praying it.  I do not know what God has in store for any of us, but when God gives you a command to pray in a certain way, you do it!  I might look like an idiot at some point, but I don't care.  I'd rather be ridiculed for Christ then feel comfortable in my "complacency", which is the "death to all Spiritual Growth."  (A. W. Tozer).  I know God is faithful and He will work miracles in those peoples lives because I was obedient!   As for my failure, and the panic attack and the nebulizer....I did feel very defeated, and ashamed that I had somehow failed God by not trusting Him more.

Then out of nowhere, I suddenly had this thought this morning and as the river of tears began to fall I prayed, "Jesus...oh Jesus.....you went through all of my panic attacks on the cross, you felt that horrible feeling of the devil grabbing you by the leg, pulling you under the earth kicking and screaming..oh Jesus, I'm so sorry!" I actually was grieved for the panic attacks he suffered on the cross because of me, because I know how awful they are!  He had every sin of every human being that would EVER live in his very soul as He died for us!  Is it any wonder that He died of a broken heart?

This realization had me in tears.  Not only did Jesus feel our sins, He felt our disappointments, our hurts, could feel our tears, our shame, our rejections, our worst fears that keep us paralyzed in sin, our physical infirmities, our panic syndrome, our mental illness....can you just imagine what He went through on that cross?  It truly never occurred to me, but if all things are out of sin, and Jesus died for all of them, that would include all of the medical infirmities brought on by incorrect living, addiction, all the bad things we have done, bad words, and thoughts that not only hurt ourselves but can hurt other people as well, and the pain it can cause them, which might cause them to sin in their hearts with unforgivenss of others, which causes so much pain, not just to the person we have wronged, but to Jesus too.  "What you do to the least of these my brethren, you are doing it unto me."  (Matthew 25:40).  That doesn't just include the "good" things we do folks, it includes the bad stuff too and He weeps for us that we just don't get it you know?

I am finding victory over a beat up body, abuse riddled, guilt riddled, pain riddled, panicked riddled and asthma riddled now apparently (lol), crippled in every way possible, I mean, I truly am a broken human being, but He is fixing all the damage that has been done, either through the devil's attacks through others, or the attacks I placed upon myself for so many years, saying to myself I couldn't be better than I am.  Well, I'm here to tell ya, the Lord has been there all along, and now that I am listening, "I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you (and me!), will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 1:6).

My healing is in Christ Jesus and no other.  I await the moment when I can just touch the hem of his robe.  It's okay, I will get victory over it, but it is so comforting to know He is already there!